Exiting a State of Grace

In Taylor Swift’s “State of Grace” (Red Taylor’s Version just came out), she describes a relationship that should never work. One that’s broken, unfair, and seemingly bound to end, but preaches a “State of Grace” where this balance seemingly appears.

My take on this is quite an interesting thought. If you see people as rather rigid, then do the vast majority of relationships exist in this “State of Grace”?

I see dating and people as a set of checklists. What they need, what they want, who they are, and what they can offer. This set of checklists that a person contains can be somewhat mutable in the sense that sometimes over time these “requirements” and “offerings” can shift or disappear, but also rigid in that certain things never change.

A relationship is when two people come together and compare checklists. People will sometimes meet all of your desires, and if you meet all of theirs then this relationship is likely to succeed and last. However, in most cases, this condition fails to be met. This does not inhibit relationships from forming, and often pushes a relationship to exist in this “State of Grace.” Very rarely will these relationships last, as the checkmarks never become filled and things break. People don’t always change, aren’t capable of change, and aren’t Godly enough to sense any of this. Once in a blue moon, people will be able actually work through everything, and continue to for the rest of their lives to preserve a “State of Grace.”

Maybe this is such a hard way of seeing dating. It used to be different. I used to think that with enough love and effort that I could be with someone forever. I now understand profoundly that sometimes the pain isn’t worth it at all. The change that you make to meet someone else’s checklist just isn’t you at all. It’s a sacrifice that slowly cuts away at your insides. Is it worth making this relationship work if you aren’t you anymore?

I used to think that this meant giving up. This meant abandoning the other person. The love, feelings, and history that you’ve had. While this may be true, why should we consistently and choosing subject ourselves to a pain that may never disappear?

At a minimum, a relationship should bring happiness in the moment. Why else do it otherwise? If it’s full of pain with no foreseeable end, just break up. If you don’t understand each other, no amount of arguing will make it happen. Just break up. If it’s fundamentally broken by two fundamentally different people, then give up.

Pain can represent love, but love is not pain. Love is love. Sometimes it just takes the right set of marks on a checklist. Sometimes it should just work. Even if you remember it “All Too Well.”

Just know that time heals most wounds and that there are many rats in the sewer. Maybe working on yourself and defining your checklist to better represent yourself, makes it easier too.

Take your time. Be strong! 加油！