Heartache is not a feeling new to me. That tightness in my stomach that I can only describe as heartache, comes and goes daily at this point. It comes from thinking of the past, the present, and the future. Listening to old music and reliving old memories and emotions are the strongest sources of this feeling. For me, music holds the keys to unlocking a whole new level of deep emotion. Nostalgia is a common feeling.
Sometimes it feels like my best days have far passed me. The best most carefree times were spent, well not being carefree. I wished that I gave more attention to the good things given to me during that period. I wished I had lived it better and had more positive to think about. Maybe it’s just the good always gets buried by the bad. The romance, the grind, and the results all feel distant.
I wish I had worked harder. I wish I had made fewer mistakes. I wish I had more fun. I wish I had lived a little bit better.
At the same time, I don’t if I would be the same person if so. Maybe it’s just an excuse to pity myself, but I’m sure that life would look a lot different today if even one of those had changed.
I often feel conflicted about whether I want this life, this present to be better or not. Right now, I’m not living in a state of eternal misery, something I’ve experienced closely before. I like to think that I’m still on the rise, that these setbacks will make me stronger, but who knows. Maybe in 5 years, I’ll regret all of this even more.
At a minimum, I feel like I’m working towards what I want. Even if I’m not at the universities I originally wanted to go to, or with the people, I would have traded everything to be with, my resolve hasn’t faltered yet.
I’m currently listening to a song called 光阴的故事 from 中国合伙人. The title can be translated as a story of time, and the movie focuses on the guidance of time. The one thing that never changes it the inevitability of change. Everything changes around us, but the one thing that shouldn’t change is 此时此刻的勇气 or the bravery at this moment. If we can do this, 我们可能会改变世界.
Maybe that’s all I have left to hold onto because nothing is forever. As long I’m here, I can choose to be brave.
A Lost and Struggling Person's Thoughts 